I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I made him laugh his dick is mine
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
