I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Randomize
