Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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