Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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