His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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