She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
