I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
