The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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