the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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