I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
