Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
