I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
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