dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
