you traded sex for a burrito?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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