so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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