He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
