My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
