I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Randomize
