I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
