The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
