Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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