At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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