i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
