dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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