You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
