We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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