my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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