he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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