Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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