his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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