I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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