her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
