I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
