just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
