Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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