i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
