peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
