I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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