Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
dude. I can hear the air.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
