It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
