it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
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