I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
