Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Randomize
