did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
