A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Houston, we have a blender
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I pour the whiskey from now on
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
