my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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