I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
