I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize