The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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