You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
