somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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