hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
