Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
