If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize