The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
