I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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