he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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