How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I think a kid would responsible me up
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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