I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
