did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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