I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
